Gay men are so hot. It's tragic.*

Though I'm not one to post things days after the breaking news (again, has anyone heard we have a new pope???) but this Katie Holmes/Tom Cruise thing is just gross. My initial response: "I want to vomit." I'm taking it too personally, it's just that I think Katie Holmes is really pretty and could do better. In fact, when people say "If you could look like a famous person, who would it be?" I respond "Katie Holmes". Sometimes I say "Charlize Theron" if I'm having a blond day. Anyway...when discusing the disturbing news in depth w/ a friend over IM, she stated, and I quote, "He's hot". After a shiver went up my spine then back down again, I calmed myself for a moment before replying: "He...Astrid*...he is not hot. He is a dork. A big gay dork." (*name has been changed to maintain her anonymity- I felt it necessary even if she may claim she's not embarassed, b/c I'm a good friend). I could almost feel myself placing both hands on her shoulders, looking her straight in the eyes, and correcting her for making such an incorrect, nay, heinous statement. But Astrid came back at me with "He is still hot" as if she hadn't heard a word I had said. I try to teach others the lessons I have learned (ex: Chad Micheal Murray-not hot) from years of TV, movies, magazines, and just general common sense. But you can't lead a horse to water who doesn't want to drink. Think about it.
R.
*This quote was lifted directly from Katie herself in "Go"...we should have seen this coming.

My goal is... I'd like a career or something

Last night I cleaned my house Cinderella style (minus the singing mice, but I would have enjoyed the company)...I'm talking hands and knees scrubbing the kitchen floor (b/c I don't have a mop and frankly I don't like mops). But yes, the apt is now as clean as it can be and ready for the out of town guests who will marvel "Why, what a nice apartment you have!" rather than commenting "I think I just stepped in gum".

So I got my first taste of rejection today in my new hobby as a writer. I pretty much wrote two stories then moved on to my next hobby- acting in short film (singular). But back to the rejection- I don't take it so well. I became immediately depressed and am now wondering/obsessing about the fact that I lack talent in pretty much any department. I can't dance, sing, draw, solve complex math equations, write (thanks McSweeney's, thanks for ruining my life!), do stand-up comedy, juggle, run fast, play any instrument (not even the triangle), and many other things that I don't have the time to list write now b/c I'm in the middle of a nervous breakdown. Okay, not really. I'm being dramatic- which reminds me, I can't act either. I make life way too hard on myself. Maybe things would be easier if I just sucked it up, faced facts (I'm completely average), and moved on (i.e. stop whining all the goddamn time). It's frustrating not being able to change the things in your life that are the biggest problem, or at least that you perceive to be the biggest problem. I should be thankful I have a job, (some) money, friends, family, etc. and think about the other people in the world who live in much worse circumstances (no A/C!). But that's just depressing, so I'll complain about the fact that I don't have any natural abilities. Oh well, someday I'll have children through whom I can live vicariously....I'm going to make them the most awesome children ever! Even if they turn out disfunctional later on, at least we can have a few good years making all the other kids look bad.

I'm almost finished with my book and haven't decided what to read next. I just bought The Bell Jar, but in my fragile state, a book about a suicidal girl in her mid 20's probably isn't the best choice.
R.

Jesus is just all right with me

I just got my credit report and apparantly I will never be able to own a house or send my children to college. Poor kids, they never had a chance. But really, Hollywood Video is such a goddamned liar. I do not owe them $128. What possible late fees add up to $128, seriously? I won't pay it, even if it means my kids have to work at McDonald's for the rest of their lives (b/c that's where people who don't go to college work).

This is hot (Thanks Kerry!)

This is not (Thanks EZ Board!)

Probably too soon to say, but I might be going back to Austin for a Freaks and Geeks marathon at the Alamo Drafthouse in June. God, how I love that show.
R.

I am siamese if you please

Has anyone noticed (or has this always been obvious to everyone but me?) in the Revlon commercials that Kate Bosworth has one brown eye and one blue eye? Not the worst deformity, but I have to say, it's pretty creepy looking. Probably not the best subject to model mascara either. The brown one's fine, it's the blue one that adds the disturbing element...it looks like a glass eye. And you know what they say about glass eyes- nothing, but only scary people have them. See for yourself.
R.

I'm with Ryan Cabrera

And the celeb sightings just keep on coming. It would fall into the category of interesting if I actually had a story to tell, but no, I don't. Actually, I do, but it has nothing to do w/ the celebrity, I'm making it all about me. As usual. So last night I was at this work thing and met a few other assistants I'd never met in person, but only had talked to on the phone (and I always wonder what they think when they see me...does my voice match face?). Afterwards, they decided to go to some place called Element and although I just wanted to go home and read (nerd...but the book is so good and I'm almost finished!) I decided to go out and be social. Maybe meet new people I would never see again and wouldn't even really want to spend five minutes talking to, but I would, b/c that's me being social. So I left pretty quickly from the work thing, wanted to go home and slip into something more comfortable (no, not lingerie, jeans). I'm dragging this out- basically I get to the club and walk up to the door and ask "Is there a cover?" (not that I had any money to pay a cover, unless they would accept two sticks of gum and a broken cigarette as collateral) to which he replied "Are you on the list?". Oh, it's one of THOSE clubs. The ones I don't go to, b/c I like to get my rejection the good ol' fashioned way- through peer disapproval and low self-esteem. So I step aside, I don't try to talk my way in like the other douche bags circling the velvet rope- "My client is inside"..."I'm with Ryan Cabrera"- b/c I innocently just wanted to meet up w/ a few people and have a drink. Maybe two, I don't know. I waited for about 10 minutes, not sure if they were already inside or what, when ***Alert: Celebrity Sighting Ahead*** I see Avril Lavigne saunter into the club. No one even asked her if she was on the list! And you know what else, I don't think it was an 18 + club (I think there was drinking inside). I won't tell, but I'm just saying. So that was my night, I went home, read my book, went to bed. Like every other night. I just have to say, I hate that I even cared that I couldn't get in. I didn't even want to get in- but once I thought I couldn't then I wanted it even more. I wanted to sit at the cool kids lunch table. I was blindsided with this whole list thing....it caught me offguard. And I can't believe I'm still a little pissed about it today.

I just found this one line funny from Zach Braff's Blog:

Paul Haggis, who wrote "Million Dollar Baby" did the adaptation and I tweaked the dialogue a little bit.

I bet Paul Haggis is pissed. Zach- you wrote f*cking Garden State, he wrote an Oscar winning film...bit of a difference.

Michael Ian Black is funny.

R.

They don't play me on the radio

Reason #5,359 I want to do naughty things to Jake G. It's not really a reason persay, just a picture I like to look at over and over and over and over again. Was it good for you?

Yuck. For the love of God, eat something. Or at least wear baggy clothes like Mary-Kate.

Scroll down to find pics of Jesse Metcalf with Tara Reid. After asking yourself "Why God Why???" you remember that not that long ago he was Miguel Lopez-Fitzgerald on Passions and not the gardner on Desperate Housewives. Then you'll understand why he might think it's "cool" to hang out with Tara Reid. He doesn't know any better.

I reserved two tickets for Last Call with Carson Daly taping in LA on May 6th w/ musical guest Ben Lee (and also Micheal Vartan...that's just a bonus). I won't be able to go seeing as how it's during work hours, but I like to pretend that I will. And Ben will see me and say "Aren't you that girl who came to all my shows when I was recording my album?" and I'll reply "Yes, that was me" and he'll say "I think I love you" and I'll say "I think I love you too" and then he'll get out his guitar and sing me a song. It will be lovely.
R.

This is life's ultimate cruelty. It offers us a taste of youth and vitality, and then it makes us witness our own decay

I completely forgot to mention my celeb sighting from this weekend. I was in Urban Outfitters, looking at some top I wouldn't actually buy b/c it's $30 for a mass produced vintage t-shirt, when I look up to see Janice Dickenson beside me. At first, I recoiled visably in disgust at the sight of that much botox up close, then I wondered if that was actually her or someone who just looks like her, then I went to my friend Lisa to see if she watched America's Next Top Model (answer: no) so I could point out to her that we were in the presence of an actual C list celebrity, just like the time I saw Melissa Rivers (being carried out of Saddle Ranch b/c the woman was so wasted- true story!). After deciding it was indeed Ms. Dickenson, I said to myself "Hmmm". B/c after all that, it's really not that interesting. Until...I ran into Rosanna Arquette on my way out of the store. I guess I didn't "run into her"...it wasn't like I said "Hey Rosanna, what's up" and she said "Reagan, how's it going". But I did see her.

I submitted a story to McSweeney's. I'm not a tv writer anymore, and I've already given up on my dreams of musical stardom, so now I'm going to be a short story writer. Sounds fun in theory. And so far, both Maryn and Ashley have loved it. The rest of you will have to wait for it to be published. Suckers.
R.

I'm definitely going to hell for this

Jesus Dress Up

Why do I always say that, that I'm going to hell, if I don't really believe in it? Maybe I'm wrong, but I think even Jesus could take a joke. I don't know what I believe, but I don't trust the whole "worship me" scenario. It kind of makes him seem like an a**hole, doesn't it? If I am wrong though, I'm pretty much f*cked when I die.
R.

This is the day my life will surely change

I've been trying to find out who sings this song from this dockers commercial and I finally found it...it's called This is the Day by a band called The The. Hence the title.

I'm not feeling so well today. I couldn't for the life of me pull myself out of bed today...I can't even count how many times I said to myself "just 10 more minutes". Everything would be perfect if I always had just 10 more minutes....times 10.

Friday night I went out w/ my friend Michele and met up w/ a friend of hers from work. Original plan- have a few drinks and call it an early night (I planned on hiking the next morning). What actually happened- drank five too many and stayed out until wee hours of the morning (Thus, no hiking the next day). In the hours that passed b/w the bar closing and me getting back to my apt, I spent my time making up songs about celebrities and other stuff I can't quite recall while Dave (Michelle's coworker) played the guitar... and in my state of intoxication I became convinced that we were the next big thing, music/comedy wise. Sure, I can't sing (in fact, I sound like either elephants making love or being tortured, I feel like they might sound the same in both situations) and Dave only knows one chord (maybe more, maybe he just didn't want to show off), but that's not going to stop us, oh no, not the defiant ones (or at least me, I think Dave might have been humoring me w/ his encouragement). So, that's kind of where we left it until the next night when we talked about possible band names (so far I've contributed titles that have recieved little response- "Drop it like it's hot" and "The ambiguously awesome duo") and t-shirts (Randy, this is where you will come in) and maybe even adding a bongo player and then finally we actually talked about maybe writing songs. I suggested a song about famous people's siblings, mainly b/c I don't care for Hailey Duff and I feel the best way to express my feelings would be through my music (ha ha ha...my music, oh man). And then Dave threw out the idea of adding Sylvester Stallone's brother Frank as well...so maybe out of these ideas a masterpiece will emerge. Or maybe I'll lose interest in a few days like I do with most things (anyone remember two weeks ago when I was a writer?)

And on to Sunday (skipping Saturday b/c I just slept all day, nothing to tell really), when I spent the day shopping on Melrose with Lisa and came to yet another one of my conclusions: I'm too fat for LA. Now, I'm not saying I'm fat, b/c I'm not, it's just a fact (I'm not in denial, but believe what you will), but compared to most of the girls I saw shopping alongside me, I literally looked like a cow. Well, not literally, but I did avoid black and white patterns so as not to invite the comparison. There are just several items that are in every store I went into (b/c every store on Melrose is the same...the only way to distinguish one from the other is by choice of window dressing) that look absolutely terrible on anyone who doesn't look like Mary Kate...and you know what, I don't want to look like her. She's anorexic! What is attractive about that? Please, somebody tell me. B/c I saw so many clones on Sunday I just wanted to shake them (not too hard though, I might break them) and say "Eat something!!!" Just so you know this rant isn't masquerading any feelings of jealousy b/c I can't dress like Sienna Miller or newly anorexic (welcome to the club...you'll love it here!) Nicole Richie. No, I don't envy them in the least. B/c when I die (and it won't be from a heart attack brought on by malnutrition or mass quantities of coke to keep me thin) I won't regret not having that cookie or that piece of pizza (I tell myself this when eating cookies or pizza). Or who knows, maybe they just have really high metabolisms and I'm taking out my anger over something else (the fact that I can't just get by on my personality) on them. I guess I really shouldn't care so much, but what else do I have to b*tch about, really? If I didn't complain about them, then I'd actually have to take a look at my life and face the fact that I'm struggling for change while at the same time trying to keep everything the same. It's time to grow up, to be responsible, to pay my bills on time, to stop spending money when I don't have it, to work instead of playing on this blog. Wait, how did I get to this from a story that began about shopping on a Sunday?
R.

Almost famous

Like many hangers on roaming the streets of Hollywood, I too have famous friends. But they're the cool kind of famous, the ones who don't flaunt it, the ones you won't see guest dj'ing at some queer (and I don't mean homosexual, I mean lame) bar, the ones who don't only date other famous people, and the ones who don't have real pictures on IMDB but rather that outline of the generic man instead. So what the hell am I talking about? Mr. Guiseppe Graziano and his moment of immortality thanks to King of Queens (below you'll find an episode description, c/o Mr. G himself):

doug spills mayo all over carrie's client's suit... and the client goes... "This is an 800 dollar Giuseppe Graziano, and it's ruined!".... then later, at the end of the scene, spence is alone with her and he points to her suit and says, "Is that a Giuseppe Graziano?"

And to think I got excited b/c Robert put a character named Regan (yes, he mispelled it, silly boy) in his episode of Judging Amy, but "claimed" he didn't name her after me. B*tch please...you're thinly veiled portayal of me as a 14 year old punk rocker w/ an attitude is so obvious. I know when I'm being imitated.
R.

The green monster rears its ugly head

Emily will be interviewing Ben Lee for the Austinist. When? I don't know. But I'm jealous (hence the title...and that's my natural reaction to everything).

Also, update to previous post- I will not be dancing this weekend, I've ditched those plans (and everyone involved with them) and opted to go to the party instead. Even though Craig thought Jesus would want me to dance.
R.

Thank you for being a friend...

I have the Golden Girls theme in my head...travelled down the road and back again, your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant (I know it by heart). Gotta love those ladies. Everything started with that foursome...and below, I will prove it to you (comparing it to Sex and the City...so you know the characters I'm talking about):
Dorothy=Carrie (the main character)
Sophia=Miranda (the saracastic one)
Rose=Charlotte (the naive one)
Blanche=Samantha (the slutty one)
I'm sure I'm not the first person to blow the lid on this theory, but still find it intersting, the similarities. I tried to extend it to Desperate Housewives but I had no idea where to put Eva Longoria or Marcia Cross, so it didn't really work out. This is what I do in my spare time.

Funniest heading from IMDB today:
Cosby to Fight 11 Women
Sorry, but I can't stop laughing. I know, I'm immature, but the mental picture (I get off on mental pictures) off Bill Cosby in a ring with 11 women ready to literally fight him...oh man, it's killing me.

My friend keeps asking me to see The Interpreter w/ her this weekend...she says she can't find anyone to go. Hmmm, I wonder why...maybe it's b/c the movie looks so effing boring. My response after much consistent begging on her part- I'd rather watch a dog lick itself for two hours than see that movie. Kind of harsh, a little tasteless, but it go the point across.

In college, I had some friend-like people I knew (some would call them acquaintances) who started a Nicole Kidman Fan Club. They did this b/c 1) They found it funny (at this point Nicole wasn't a "star" so it was obviously a joke) and 2) It only took $10 and 3 people to start a club. I just remembered that, decided to share a little pointless information. Enjoy!

I hate to say this, but blonde hair has really uglied up Lindsay Lohan. Actually, I don't hate to say it...I really enjoyed writing that. Saying mean things about people you don't know is fun.

Does anyone care if Ben and Jen are (allegedly) engaged? I don't. Really, I don't. I swear, I don't. Okay....no I really don't.

Oh no! One of my favorite friends can't go dancing on Saturday, my whole plan is falling apart. I really shouldn't plan ahead, who knows if I'll even feel like it tomorrow. I'm wishy washy. A flake. I'll back out of plans then purposely not answer my phone so as not to face the wrath of those I've let down. Backbone's overrated, that's what I say. Now it turns out that favorite friend is having a party on Saturday instead of dancing....I'm torn...do I cancel the plans I started or do I actually follow through? What would Jesus do?
R.

I've got a brand new pair of roller skates

Recently I was at this event where I noticed this attractive guy standing not too far from me. I tend to always notice these types, it's the act of a desperate woman hungry for a little affection. Maybe I shouldn't say things like that, it takes away from any possibilty of me having mystique (a new quality I think I might try on for size). So I looked at him for a while (maybe a minute) b/c there was something about him I couldn't put my finger on. Did I know him? Was I supposed to know him? Was he gay? Not to stereotype, but he was very put together, looking extremely man pretty, and I think possibly wearing make-up (and I don't mean he was rocking the eye liner, I'm talking a little blush and maybe some mascara). But then some model-type girl (you know the type, dressed like she's Sienna Miller's body double, the look of a starving child in Africa upon her face, which could either be actual hunger or disinterest in anything not involving herself) started semi-hanging on him and they kissed and I then ruled out my previous gay assumption. Kind of, it could be a cover. I'm dragging this out, time to wrap it up....so finally after all my interior questioning, ruling out possibilities, blah blah blah, someone announces his name and I discover that it's Joel Stein (without the glasses). God, what a terrible ending...all that build up to me saying "it's Joel Stein." I apologize to anyone who stuck w/ me through my muddled story. But I do have a follow up to the story...apparantly I'm not the only person who's wondered: is Joel Stein straight? I know I said I'd give up doing this, but worst. story. ever. (I'm referring to my story, not the J.S. article...it's actually quite hilarious)

I heard the strangest thing on the radio today...it was a medley of Radiohead songs but sounded like it was being played at a hoe down (omg...I can't believe I just wrote hoe down). Anyway, it apparantly (why did I write apparantly? it really was, the dj said so) was peformed by the band Hard n Phirm, featuring Chris Hardwick of Singled Out fame. Yeah, so there you go. No point to that really.

Did anyone else know that Ryan Seacrest got a star yesterday on the Hollywood Walk of Fame? Seriously...Seacrest? I know, all it takes is $15,000 and someone to sponsor you (thanks Mom) but honestly, it's a disgrace to the people that really deserve them. How do you think Bogie would feel knowing that his star is associated with the host of American Idol? And do you think Brian Dunkleman is kicking himself for leaving after season one? They could have gotten a star together, gayed it up, MK & A style. It would have been awesome. But back to it not being awesome, they should put some limits on who can get a star, really. Who's next...Carrot Top? I couldn't help myself, he's the just the lowest form of celebrity, sorry to drag you into this CT.
R.

These are a few of my favorite things...

Gotta say, I'm a little bored right now. So how about another edition of things that make me laugh:

1. Donald Trump Jr. is ugly
Funniest. Title. Ever. (Have I abused my right to use spacing/periods to emphasize statements? No, not yet? Okay.) I haven't read the post, just the title. Okay, I just did...not as funny as the title

via the superficial

2. Breaking news! Clay Aiken was bullied
Yes, this is also from the superficial. But I can't help it that he/she had multiple funny things to say today (the coke bottle glasses comment- it's funny cause it's true!):

Just based on the fact that you do interviews with Dr. Phil and Cosmo Girl leads me to side with the bullies and assume that they were right to preemptively beat you. Although it’s hard to argue the street cred of references like “Coke-bottle glasses” (I’ll ignore the fact that Coke bottles haven’t been made of glass for about 130 years now)

via the superficial...again

3. John Candy not as dead as previously thought?
Again, it's the title that got me. But seriously, how is this possible? Oh, is it like in Forrest Gump, when he meets JFK or that other president (I'm totally kidding you guys- I remember it was Nixon. Gotcha!)? I tried to figure out the logistics of this, but I gave up very quickly.

via goldenfiddle

4. Michael Rapaport: Actor/Red Head/Concerned Citizen
The most hilarious part of this article is the following sentence:

"Reports kept coming in," said Rapaport, whose films include "Small Time Crooks" and "Hitch."

Is that really the best moment to list some of his credits? Maybe they could have done it like this:

"I felt sick to my stomach the moment she touched me," said Rapaport, whose films include "Beautiful Girls" and the upcoming "Live Free or Die"

Or here:

"It looked like a grenade had gone off," he said. "There was garbage everywhere. There were glasses smashed in the kitchen and standing water in the clogged tub with flies hovering over it. "That girl needs help," said Rapaport, whose films include "Dr. Dolittle 2" and the direct to video "Paper Soldiers"

I don't know why this is amusing me.

via totc

5. A monkey could do my job...literally
Arizona police dept looking to add a monkey to it's SWAT team.

Weighing only 3 to 9 pounds with tiny humanlike hands and puzzle-solving skills, Truelove said it could unlock doors, search buildings and find suicide victims on command. Dressed in a Kevlar vest, video camera and two-way radio, the small monkey would be able to get into places no officer or robot could go.

Not to sound completely insensitive (me, insensitive, never!) but what about a midget? They're small, they can unlock doors, and they look awesome in a Kevlar vest. Oh, I just re-read that these monkeys weigh 3-9 lbs...much smaller than a midget. Bring on the monkeys!

via the american mastadon

And now, for a random quote from "The Office" (the good version)

Garreth: That's one reason why gays shouldn't be allowed into the army. Because if we're in battle, is he going to be looking at the enemy, or is he going to be looking at me and going "Ooh. He looks tasty in his uniform". And I'm not homophobic, all right? Come round, look at my CDs. You'll see Queen, George Michael, Pet Shop Boys. They're all bummers.
R.

You can do it, put your a** into it

Hey, did anyone hear we have a new Pope? Yeah, it's crazy. He looks a lot like the old Pope...maybe it's like that movie Dave with Kevin Kline, you know where the president dies or something and they replace him with a guy that looks just like him (I think, I never actually saw the movie)? Oh wait, here's the tag line: A lookalike is hired to impersonate the president who has suffered a stroke rendering him a vegetable while having sex with a co-worker. I'm going to hell, for sure this time. Randy doesn't like him b/c he chose the name Benedict XIV...and I have to agree, it sounds evil, doesn't have that friendly ring John Paul did.

Last night I watched American Idol for the 3rd time this season. It's easy to remember some of their names even when I don't watch on a regular or semi-regular basis...Bo Bice...Constatine...Anwar...what happened to people named Sarah or Joe (or Kelly)? Can they not sing? Do they not deserve the adolation of thousands of tv viewers? I digress...but the funniest thing happened during the show last night. So I'm ironing some clothes (the ritual of an anal retentive person) listening to Constantine belt out some unknown disco song, then he goes to Seacrest to have Simon berate him when Ashley shouts "Constatine's huge!" I don't really look up right away...I'm thinking she means huge as in he has a lot of fans and she's referring to the many signs littering the audience until I look at the tv and see him next to R.S. and he's literally towering over him....and not just that, but even his head looked enormous....like he had been digitally inserted into the shot and the proportions weren't accurate. Maybe I was shocked b/c I think Constantine looks like Gary Sinise, so like Gary, I pictured him being small...or in a wheelchair with no legs. I wish I could find a photo to show everyone, b/c I laughed my a** off. It may not sound that funny written out, but trust me, it was.

Yesterday I sent an email to my girlfriends to see if anyone would be interested in going dancing on Saturday, thinking maybe a few people might be interested, but today I get to work and almost every single person has emailed me saying they're in. Sometimes it hurts being this popular. I haven't been dancing in forever, it's about time (and I mean really dancing, not drunk dancing at a party w/ two other people). And I don't mean the kind of dancing where you're there and suddenly you feel this presence behind you (insert Jaws theme here), then next thing you know someone is grinding on your a** and you don't even know who it is, you try to move away, but they just keep moving forward, until finally you turn around and are utterly horrified by what you see, and now you know why he chose to come at you from behind. Nope, not that kind either.
R.

Honestly, I have no idea what you were saying. All I'm interested in is petroleum.

I'm cranky. Not just today, but always. What will I be like when I'm 80? B/c I already act like the old lady across the street who shakes her fist at those damn kids who ride their bikes too fast down the sidewalk. Except my "kids" are clients who call and ask stupid questions (or completely appropriate questions at inopportune times, like when I don't feel like talking). Or they're that inept sales girl who takes too long ringing me up, causing me to transform in the image of my mother from when I was 8. Please, I shouldn't even wonder b/c I won't make it to 80, I'll have a heart attack from stressing over what I should eat for dinner before I'm 30. I hope I'm kidding.

I thought about something as I was drifting off to sleep last night...I have no idea what it was but I feel like it was important. And now that fuzzy thought will just hang out it my brain all day, causing me to continuosly think I'm forgetting something when what I'm really trying to do is remember. It's going to drive me crazy.

So yesterday I'm talking to my mom when she asks "So how was your date?". And I'm thinking, "What date?" when I realize she's referring to this date (or THE date, I can call it that, or maybe Date 2005, b/c it's the only one) that I told her I was going on over a month ago. I told my mom about a date, b/c I was that excited. Like a child who'd scored an "A" on her spelling test...."Mommy Mommy a boy asked me out and he's really cute and really nice and I'm super excited!" And I was super excited. I told anyone who would listen about this guy I'd met. But that, my friends, was a big mistake. First, I worried he wouldn't call b/c that's what I do. I do this b/c sometimes they don't call. A lot of times they don't call. And I rationalize that it can't be me b/c they don't know me so how would they already know they don't like me, right? And why, I ask you, beg of you, why do they waste the time, even if it's less than 30 secs, getting your number if they're not going to call??? I don't get it. Honestly, I swear I mean honestly, I'd rather them say to me "It's been nice talking to you, but I don't think I want to see you again, have a good night" rather than "Yeah, I'll call you". B/c from this rambling nonsense you can piece together that I'm a little obsessive, so that call will take up a lot of my concentration. And I'll hate myself for being "that" girl...like someone out of a mystery date board game. Okay, let me get back on track. So yes, he did call, we went out, and had what I considered best date ever, mainly b/c I wasn't nervous as I usually am which causes me for some reason to say things I don't even mean. I'll lie, just make up things about myself, it's quite strange. So this date, I was completely at ease, we're laughing, talking, never an awkward moment until....so we're at my apt, taking quizes in some Nickelodeon Kids magazine (don't ask) when he does the "I'm tired" arm stretch, gets up, and I escort him to the door (two feet away) and I'm thinking this is the part where we kiss goodnight, you know the part I speak of, when he says, and I directly quote: "Reagan, dude, give me a call, we should hang out sometime." And I think he might have chucked me on the arm, but I also might be imagining that b/c that seems like something you would do when you say something like that. The end. But there's more...not of the date, but more I want to say. I wonder, does me getting excited about something, can I really be jinxing myself? Or is it just my idea that anytime you're feeling really good about anything, something will come along to knock you down? Or maybe it's the previous sentence, that attitude that causes things to go sour. Can the way a person thinks about a situation really affect it's outcome? Like inner karma? I always worry about this, but even if you try to control the way you think, you're still suppressing the original thought, which is already out there, it already exists, and you can't take it back. So if I hadn't told everyone I knew (incl all friends, coworkers, strangers on the street) that I'd had this date, would things have turned out differently? Probably not, but I wouldn't have had to block everyone on IM the next day b/c I didn't want to talk about it. I'm a baby.

I have to work now.
R.

Today is the first day of the rest of my life

What am I going to do with it? I'm going to write a blog. And do very little else.

So after saying for week(s) "I kind of want to see Fever Pitch" (in that ashamed sort of tone, where you don't make direct eye contact with the other person, you just wait to hear their response and hope they don't judge you) I finally saw it this weekend and I...loved...it. I don't normally go for romantic comedies, they don't really make me feel warm and fuzzy inside like I think they're supposed to, but this one really hit me right here (pointing to heart). Okay, not really...but I thought Jimmy Fallon was adorable in it...and not that Saturday Night Live "adorable" (aka want to punch him in the face annoying). But genuine. And Drew Barrymore, who I usually detest b/c she's the worst actress ever and it's like no one has the heart to tell her, wasn't as bad as usual. I'm not trying to analyze something that frankly doesn't warrant analyzation, but the movie made me smile. Can't I like something for that reason alone? (Why am I getting defensive? I can sense your judgement...) At one point, the audience (including myself, god help me) elicited a collective "Aaahhhhhh". And...and I even clapped at the end. Oh my god...what is happening to me??? Next thing you know, I'll be writing that A Lot Like Love was the feel good movie of the year. I need to rewatch Sin City, stat.

I had a series of celebrity sightings this weekend, a rarity since the only chance I really have of celeb spotting would be if they walked up to my door on their own volition. Meaning I don't really go anywhere they like to hang out, if you didn't get that. First, I saw Danny Masterson, Chris Masterson, and Donna (real names escapes me) on Friday night. I wonder if Danny finds it difficult trying to look so cool all the time..always with that look of "I could give a f*ck". What about a little smile, huh Danny? Why so down? And then I saw Mandy Moore on Saturday (apparantly the day after her birthday...I guess my invitation was lost in the mail...I just made that up, aren't I clever?). That Mandy, she's quite pretty, if you've ever noticed. Why do I even care that I saw these people? It's not like I talked to them...and you know what else, who cares if I did? They're just people, they don't have superpowers (b/c that would warrant bragging). I actually get pissed at myself that I care. Then I tell people that I saw so and so as if there's anything to tell. It's not even a story, it's a sentence, barely. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if I wouldn't fight it...I should just subscribe to In Touch and get it over with.
R.

Who are you? Whoever you want me to be

No, you can't have a pony. Thanks Kerry...I keep going back to this picture and laughing.

So, who's with me that The O.C. is so much better with the addition of Ryan's brother to mix things up a bit? I have to admit, I have a minor crush on Trey. Maybe it's his ability to go back and forth b/w bad boy fresh out of prison and O.C. material (Ryan beginning season 1 vs. Ryan now) so effortlessly. I hate when shows fall into what I like to term the "Saved by the Bell" trap. What is this trap I speak of, you're wondering? You're dying to know, I can almost picture you sitting there on the edge of your subpar rolling chair, anticipating what I'm going to say next. So here it is, the trap (I'm not breaking new ground here, I'm stating the obvious): when the main characters of a show only hang out with each other, never socializing with anyone else in school...much like Zack, Kelly, Lisa, Slater, Jessie, and Screech, hence the clever name. Other than the occasional person lucky enough to infiltrate their tight knit group (anyone remember Violet?) anything and everything they did, be it school dances, talking in the hallway, a "Say No to Drugs" video....it was only the 6 of them, and maybe some background extras nodding their heads in agreement to anything to come out of the mouths of the main 6. They even only dated each other (remember that one episode Zack and Lisa dated? Screech was so pissed). Okay, I'm just rambling...but why can't The O.C. have Seth, Summer, Marisa, and Ryan hang out with other people? Why don't they have other friends? It's like their allowed 1 new friend at a time...first Anna, then Oliver, then Zack, then Lindsay (I'm sure I'm forgetting someone...I apologize to that actor/actress, but it's not my fault they weren't memorable). So last night's episode...it's just so unbelievable (and The O.C. represents the highest eschalon of believability) that Marisa would decide to have a party and all those people would show up...they don't talk to anyone! Who did they tell? But my whole point for this (initially) was that it took a little Trey to mix things up...to get the party started if you will. Maybe this will lead to other parties, with other co stars (dead girl) and the fantastic four actually talking to people other people. Or maybe Trey will get sucked into their sick and twisted little circle of unfun, start dating Marisa, and leave the show for any number of reasons in a few episodes. I can tell you this much...I miss him already.

Oh, and by the way....Adam Brody hasn't been cute and/or funny since midway through season 1. Ladies, it's time to face facts- he's just annoying.
R.

Lies and the lying liars who tell them

This is why I hate reading beauty/fashion magazines...I just wrote to my friend: "no matter what i do, my body will never look like these girls, airbrushed or not". And now I've come across an ad for Anew Clinical Lift and Tuck..."proven to tuck the tummy and lift the rear in just four weeks". Are you kidding me? That's such bullsh*t and I would prove them wrong if I actually had money to buy something that won't work. I would be like one of those investigative journalists, exposing the fraudulent companies w/in beauty industry one product at a time. Like a modern day Maggie Seaver (I'm like Rory freakin' Gilmore w/ my obscure references...of Growing Pains). But maybe we want to be lied to, so we can do these simple things and think that in some way we're bettering ourselves. Personally, I've fallen into the trap...many, many times (damn you epilstop!)

I just read a quote by Cameron Diaz stating: "I am a woman who has to work for the curves I desire". Okay, I admit it, this is most likely the result of jealousy, but curves? Cameron has the body of a 12 year old boy Ken doll...just because you put your hand on your pseudo hip doesn't mean there's actually anything there.

I can't even imagine, even if I try really really hard, buying a dress that costs $2,145. Maybe it'd be easier to imagine it if I actually had that kind of money..but really, I'm going to sit on my moral (albeit poor) high horse and say people who spend that kind of money on clothes are bad human beings, they should be feeding the poor instead. Like me, I really need groceries.

The front of this magazine touts "150 + best looks for every body- tall, short, thin, curvy, & pregnant." What this really means is lots of pictures of models, actresses, a pregnant ballerina (not one of those gross pregant women, ew!), and Queen Latifah. Seriously, can you give me something to work with here? Even Drew Barrymore on the cover looks slightly emaciated, can't you throw in maybe a picture of Christina Ricci from 5 years ago? Why is it that our only choices are plus size or size 0? Where's my f*cking happy medium?
R.

PC Load Letter? What the fuck does that mean?

Smoosh (via golden fiddle)
This band opened for Rilo Kiley on Halloween and they were awesome (like totally rad you guys). It almost hurts when two kids who's ages combined don't equal yours are that much more talented than you. If only I'd stuck to those piano lessons...or drum lessons...or actually learned to play the french horn in 7th grade rather than just pretending to blow into it and moving my fingers over the buttons sporadically...

And speaking of untalented (nice segue Reagan...hey, thanks!) my office is in an uproar that this Scott guy (I'm pretending like I don't know who he is...but I do...I deemed him the retarded chipmunk in previous posts) didn't get kicked off American Idol. The horror! They didn't get this worked up over the Schiavo case.

A Tribute to the Greatest TV Themes (via Daily Roundup via TOTC)
I used to have a cd with like 50 tv theme songs...I was a fan of Laverne & Shirley, especially the beginning b/c I had no idea what they were saying and I just made it up:
"Shameal, Shemazel, Hark n' Flark Incorporated"
And here are the actual lyrics (I wasn't that off):
"Schemeel, schlemazel, hasenfeffer incorporated"
Also, it shows that Greg Evigan will be singing the theme to BJ & the Bear and My Two Dads (if you don't remember, he was the not uptight dad on the show aka "the cool one"). To this day I have to wonder...who was the real dad??? They had the episode where they did a paternity test but then didn't open the results b/c the lesson was that it didn't really matter b/c they both loved her equally. But c'mon, you would want to know (so you could figure out who to love more)...I mean they have entire tv movies and episodes of Ricki Lake about finding the real father. And I had the biggest crush on Chad Allen...who I'm pretty sure is gay now (but in someway, he's always known). Okay, just checked out his website, gayness affirmed. I suppose I should have spent more of my efforts fantasizing about Giovanni Ribisi.

Don't you just love how every celebrity has a drug problem? (even Chad Allen!) I guess it comes with the territory, that territory being low self-esteem and the need to be loved. But Joaquin Phoenix? While I'm not THAT surprised (or surprised at all, didn't bat an eyelash), you'd think someone who watched his brother OD on the sidewalk would have more sense. I mean, that had to have been like the live version of Scared Straight. I guess being an addict isn't that bad b/c other than death or some embarassing photos, what's the worst that can happen? You're even rewarded with a 30 day getaway to Promises- the parties aren't that great but the spa is incredible!

I'm too lazy to look around for news stories, so I'm just going to comment on things from imdb news...

"Jackson keen to show off his skills on the stand"
Like the moonwalk? (so witty, so freakin' witty)

That's it.
R.

wakka wakka wakka

I just took an online IQ test...133. I'm a freakin' genius (I'm sure you've known this for a while, I mean have you read my posts? Modesty is for losers.)

Your Intellectual Type is Insightful Linguist. This means you are highly intelligent and have the natural fluency of a writer and the visual and spatial strengths of an artist. Those skills contribute to your creative and expressive mind. And that's just some of what we know about you from your test results.

The website also offers other tests, such as "What breed of dog are you at work?" (Border collie...means absolutely nothing seeing as how I don't know anything about dogs) "Who's your movie star double?"(Cameron Diaz...what the f*ck???) and "What's your email personality?" (Joker...and next to my result was a picture of an envelope saying "wakka! wakka! wakka!" b/c I often say that, just to get a rise out of people)

It's been awhile since I've posted anything about Brendan Frasier (by awhile I mean never) but here's something intentionally (or maybe unintentionally...I can't tell and that's what fascinates me) funny he said but instead of me laughing with him I'm totally laughing at him b/c it's not funny at all and it's weird...the type of comment to illicit no response whatsoever b/c no one would know what to say to that...I picture the interviewer sitting there uncomfortabley for a moment then asking "What was it like working with Pauly Shore?"...anything to change the topic:

Fraser makes the ill-advised quip in the current issue of America's Elle magazine, declaring he's keen to become a young grandfather. In the question-and-answer interview, Fraser is asked what advice about women he plans to impart on his sons Griffin and Holden and he says, "Listen to women... and please put a little pinhole in the condom, because we want to be grandparents sooner rather than later."

Hey, did anyone hear that Britney Spears is pregnant? What...I'm the first person to say anything about this? OMG...that is so exciting.
R.

Metaphors- ideas that tickle your mind

I don't know if I've said this explicitly or if you can tell simply by my overuse, but I like metaphors. Similes are okay, if that's what you're in to (I dabbled in similes in the 4th grade), but metaphors, they're just so f*cking clever and they can make you say, "Wow, I never thought of it like that. That's deep" when in reality it's pretty damn obvious but just dressed up in fancy wording. I wish I had a metaphor for metaphors, but that would probably cause the universe to implode from rhetoric overkill. Yeah...so my point for all of this- metaphor abuse. It's a serious issue that's hasn't been addressed quite enough, but I've recently located the first offender (not first ever, just first since I started thinking about metaphors)- Stephanie Klein.
You worry if it’s broken, but aren’t sure yet, the way you feel when you’ve just dropped your cell phone. You look at it carefully, turn it on, and for a minute you hold your breath. Relationships just take longer to turn on. Mostly, I'm turning blue, searching for an oxygen hit.
Ms. Klein, I ask that you slowly step away from the metaphor. You have the right to remain silent. Any figure of speech in which a word or phrase that ordinarily designates one thing is used to designate another, thus making an implicit comparison will be used against you.

Last night I went to Acapulco for Maryn's bday. The end.

I emailed my mom to ask for money for the Improv class b/c I was too scared to call her and ask her b/c I have no backbone. But she politely ignored my email. Really, what did I expect? Who wants to not only support their child until their 18, then put them through college, then loan them money every few months when they run out b/c they earn pauper wages, then after all of that, fork over money so they can go play in an Improv class. Apparantly, not my mom.

Isn't it sad when you see a friend that you haven't seen in a while and they ask you what you've been up to and your answer is "Nothing"? Or if not nothing, it's "Working". In reality, no one really wants to hear what you've been doing...if I would start listing everything I'd done for the past month of weekends, would the other person really care? I know I wouldn't want to hear that...just tell me you're not completely miserable and I'll be on my way. But then you're left with nothing to say...after you establish that you've both been "good" where do you go from there? It's all so complicated. Maybe notecards wouldn't be a bad idea, with a series of topics- "How do you feel about healthcare reform?" or "What is your stance on Yes, Dear- should it be cancelled?" Then you're never left with an awkward moment. I'm brilliant!
R.

Oh, here's a fun fact... you made out with your sister, man!

This morning did not start out so well. Not at all. I got to work early b/c the only parking spot I could find was in a no parking 9-11 street cleaning zone which means obviously I had to leave by 9 which is about 20 mins earlier than I normally leave. Doesn't sound like a lot, but it pretty much eliminated any snoozing. And I love to snooze...I once hit the snooze button every 10 minutes for 2 hours, true story. Skipping ahead...so I'm at work and my boss comes in and I get this phone call from some random woman who is of absolutely no importance whatsoever and my boss starts asking me a million questions about who she is and why she called and blah blah blah and I finally just snap at her which doesn't go over so well so she starts yelling at me and I get pissed off and march to the kitchen and chunk my Frappucino bottle into the trash can in a huff and another coworker sees me and gives me an uncomfortable look, like the look you give a crazy person, and I go back to my desk and email Ashley "---- is such a goddamned b*tch" and then after her response of "Why?" I tell her the story and even though I can't see her she might be giving me the same look the coworker from the kitchen gaveme. But now everything is okay b/c we've gotten over it and we're talking again after she made a joke to me to break the tension. Not like a setup/delivery type of joke, she didn't begin with "Have you heard the one about..." but a comment on another coworker kind of joke, b/c those are the funniest, the ones where you make fun of someone else, they bring people together. But I gave her the silent treatement for at least 10 minutes so now she's knows what's up...don't f*ck with me or I'll ignore you. But you won't really know it b/c I'm in another room so you can't actually see me ignoring you. The end.

I feel like crap today, my reasons being 3 fold:
1. I ate so much crap yesterday and just feel fat and gross. I was hungover and just threw caution to the wind....meaning, I ate an entire pizza (in my defense, it wasn't that big but I did follow it up with a bag of chips).
2. I missed an appointment this morning but I can't remember what it was for. I just know I had something on the morning of the 11th. So now I can't even reschedule.
3. I'm tired.

I watched Eurotrip on Friday and it was really f*cking hilarious. Except for the last quarter, didn't really care for it, had this whole Pope is dead storyline that probably wouldn't have been funny even if the Pope hadn't just died. But it did have my new crush in it, Scott Mechlowicz. Yummy.

I'm feeling regretful today. I get this way anytime I have a ridiculously drunken night. Am I sensing a pattern here? That's two weekends in a row, and I always feel like sh*t, not just b/c I spend one of my weekend days hungover and laying around on the couch but b/c I just feel this guilt and I can't really explain it. It's like moving backwards, that's what it feels like. Shouldn't I be over that phase of my life? Ugh...I'm going to stop thinking about this. On a positive note, I did wake up early on Saturday to go hiking. And then I got my haircut and didn't mind even though it took two hours and then I had a mini facial and it was the best thing ever and then I went shopping...so it was a great day.

I went to the free improv class on Sunday and now more than anything I wish I could afford to take classes. I had so much fun and even though I pretty much sucked, I didn't care. I have to tell you, at one point I said the most inappropriate thing and the entire class went "Ohhhhh" you know the sound, right? So this other girl sets up the scene with us being at Micheal Jackson's house and we say a few stupid things to each other then she says "Why are you here?" and I reply "I have cancer and Micheal invited me to his Neverland Ranch." So bad, so bad...I deserved that "Ohhhhh". I just walked off the stage after that.

I watched Grey's Anatomy last night, thanks to it's convenient post-Desperate Housewives time slot and while I like the characters, there's just something that's off about it that I can't quite put my finger on. James said it's lazy writing and I have to agree. At one point in the show after they'd taken this guy's organs out for donation this one girl says "I'm going to sew him up, for his family." Really...you mean you're not just going to leave him lying there w/ his guts hanging out? Thanks for stating the obvious...but it's not b/c you're such a caring doctor, b/c you were so affected by this case , it's b/c you don't leave bodies lying around with their stomachs wide open. Seriously.
R.

I'm sorry, I just came by to thank you for WRECKING MY LIFE!

My list of top ten greatest movie scenes that I can think of right now:

1. Almost Famous- Penny Lane OD's on qualudes
"I'm about to go where many men have gone before."
I just watched this movie last night...I love it love it love it. My friend who watched it with me (his first time) said "I think that may have been better than Jerry Maguire." Well, yeah...obviously. And while I have many "favorite" parts, my most favorite is when William chases Penny back to the hotel through the street filled with cabs while Elton John's "Mona Lisa" plays then finds her hopped up on qualudes in the hotel room. It's just perfect, especially Kate Hudson's response of "I'm awake" everytime William shouts "Wake up." It's so subtle, so wonderful. When she says "Why doesn't he love me?" it breaks my f*cking heart. Then...then the hotel doctor comes to pump Penny's stomach as "Mon Cherie Amour" plays with perfect irony. God, it's so good.

2. My Own Private Idaho- Campfire Scene
"I love you, and you don't pay me. "
The only thing I really like about this movie is River Phoenix and his best moment is at the campfire with Keanu Reeves who just sucks (no intended reference to movie's subject matter) no matter how hard he tries (bless his damn heart). Just watching that scene, which I watched twice in a row, it's that good, it made me remember how great of an actor River was, in this and Running on Empty, it made me think of that too.

Scott Favor: I only have sex with a guy for money.
Mike Waters: Yeah, I know.
Scott Favor: And two guys can't love each other.
Mike Waters: Yeah.
Mike Waters: Well, I don't know. I mean... I mean, for me, I could love someone even if I, you know, wasn't paid for it... I love you, and... you don't pay me.
Scott Favor: Mike...
Mike Waters: I really wanna kiss you, man... Well goodnight, man... I love you though... You know that... I do love you.

3. Closer- Clive & Natalie at the strip club
"My name is Jane Jones"
It's a toss up for who's sexier in this scene. I mean, sure there are things I want to do to Clive Owen that I can't type here, there may be children reading (I'm really popular amongst the 12 year old demographic). And Natalie, I envy her beauty, she's so hot in this movie, I looked at my a** in the mirror afterwards and it looks nothing like hers. For that, I want to hate f*ck her.

4. Rushmore- Dinner scene
"I wrote a hit play. And I'm in love with you."
This is my favorite movie ever. When people ask me "What 's your favorite movie" I say "Rushmore". Get it...I like the movie. And this scene is what initially peeked my interest, it's the following interaction from the preview that I found so hilarious I dragged my friends to see the movie, despite their pleas to see "Cruel Intentions" instead. They later thanked me for this.

Max Fischer: I like your nurse's uniform, guy.
Dr. Peter Flynn: These are O.R. scrubs.
Max Fischer: Oh, are they?

5. Wet Hot American Summer- Trip to town
"It's always great to get away from camp, even if only for an hour."
I laughed my a** off at this scene...the smoking...pushing the old lady...the drugs...everything, hilarious.

And here's a random quote from some other scene in the movie:
"Oh yeah, there's some kids caught in the obstacle course. I meant to tell you about that yesterday."

6. Crossroads- Britney Spears & Dan Ackroyd's father/daughter moment
"I'm the valedictorian."
I've never laughed as hard in my entire life when Britney delivered this line. Funny. as. hell. Plus, watching Dan Ackroyd hit a career low, that was funny too. I saw this film in Austin as part of the "Mr. Sinus Theater 3000" series and my favorite quote from them was whenever the pregnant friend said "You can be my back up singers" referring to some singing competition, one of the Mr. Sinus guys said "B*tch, do you know who I am" and the look of Britney's face at that moment was priceless. It was like a deer in headlights. Watching her act, so great. I don't know if that's funny if you weren't there, but that's what a lot of my humor is like anyway.

7. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind- Mark Ruffalo dancing on the bed in his undies
No quote...just the mental image.
I just have such a crush on him in this movie, maybe it's the glasses, maybe it's that he's them most adorable person to walk this earth, like a bunny in human form. The only thing I would have changed would be if instead of him dancing with Kirsten Dunst he would have punched her in the face.

8. Thirteen- Evan Rachel Wood's breakdown at the end
"Don't call me a slut. MOM! MASON JUST CALLED ME A SLUT! "
I still think she should have been nominated for best actress. I mean, I'm thinking about it right now, I don't think about it daily, I don't wake up thinking "God, why wasn't she nominated!" It's not like I'm obsessed or anything. But yeah...even though I wasn't anything like Tracy when I was 13 in the social aspect, I was completely like her in my relationship w/ my mother (universal themes, pay attention). Every time my mom would say "How was your day?" I'd respond with as much attitude as I could muster "Fine!". I was such a goddamn brat. I'm pretty sure my mom regretted having me b/w the ages of 13-18. She might say she didn't, but I know the truth.

9. Walking and Talking- Anne Heche & Catherine Keener talking about the wedding (can't specify which moment, but I think they're in someone's kitchen)
"Do we really have to listen to this vagina music all the way there?"
This movie is my relationship with Ashley...Ashley is Anne Heche (without the lesbian phase, though there was that one day...) and I'm Catherine. It's just exactly the way I can picture it when Ashley gets engaged (b/c she will be first and I'm okay with that b/c I'm not sure if I even want to get married I might just be fine meeting someone and living in sin until it gets boring or we start hating each other) I lost track after that aside. Oh...I can see me getting jealous of Ashley b/c I'm losing her to this other person b/c these are things I've already felt, b/c it really is that saddest thing when you realize you're no longer the person she comes to w/ everything. But you move on and you accept this. But the scene where Catherine says "All this time you've been talking about how you feel and nobody's asked me how I feel." That's not exact, but it's something like that. Something I would say, making it about me and not her. And the movie's got a great soundtrack by Billy Bragg.

10. Police Academy 1: Any scene
"Sleeping is for fags."
Basically, I can't think of anything else right now. Gotta love Steve Guttenberg.

How does an asshole like Bob get such a great kitchen?

Check out today's post from Alex. It is what spurred my desire to write the following. That and boredom, my usual instigator. He's inspirational that Alex...a bit like Jesus, but w/out the beard or fondness for swaddling clothes. I just find him so f*cking hilarious (am I blog stalking?)

And now I've lost the urge to write whatever I was going to write...I left my computer for too long (5 minutes). It was going to be some reflection on high school, or newsletters, or Christians, something really gay most likely. Nothing sentimental, I wasn't going to post a forward that lists all the things that are great about friends then have you scroll down to find an angel created out of binary numbers. Nope, wouldn't do that. And my coworker just asked me to hold (not watch, literally hold in my arms) her baby while she went into a meeting and I responded like a bratty 15 year old "Well, I can't really do any work if I'm holding a baby"...and then I think I huffed, as to say "you idiot" or "duh". And another coworker jumps in with "You can hold her with one hand" and I snap back with "Not if you don't like holding babies, I can't even hold it with two hands" and now as I type this I realize that I just called the baby an "it" and I do that often b/c frankly they're all "its" until you don't need a pink or blue jumper to be able to tell what if it's a girl or a boy. I'm going to put mine in yellow, confuse the hell out of everyone.

What the hell is froogle? Just randomly found it at the top of the page when I went to google something.

In going back to thinking of high school (my intial reason for even writing anything) I went to classmates.com but you have to register and even though I have all this free time I'm too lazy to do it. I hear all the gossip I need through the grapevine, benefits of having gone to a small school. But I want to know what that random person who sat behind me in English is up to...whose name I don't know but mabye if I just looked around a bit I would find it. There would be absolutely no point to it, I wouldn't contact him/her, no one would care if I told them b/c they don't know him/her, but at least I could say to myself "Hmm, well there you go."
R.

French kissing in the USA

Being pretentious isn't easy
Pop icon Madonna struggles to understand her two young children properly, because they speak to each other in French.
Random...but made me laugh. As if renaming yourself "Esther" and relocating to England weren't enough, now you're kids think they're better than you.

I'm sick of answering the goddamn phones for someone else (unfortunately, this is 75% of my job...it's unavoidable). Why do I have to pick up the phone first...why, when you know you want to talk to that person and they're not calling for me, they would never be calling for me, do I still have to pick it up just to say "Hold one moment"? It's a waste of my time, it's a waste of the caller's time, and frankly, it's really f*cking annoying.

Okay, I know it's sad the Pope died (But is it? Isn't this what he always wanted? Isn't this what his life's work has been leading up to?), b/c even though I didn't worship him, millions did and I respect that, and blah blah blah. But hours upon hours of reports on CNN? What, are there going to be updates? If you're thinking "Reagan, why don't you change the channel" it's b/c I can't...it's on the tv at the gym and I always end up in front of the one w/ CNN and I'm too much of a chicken sh*t to ask to change it. So there you go...but it's just that poor Monaco lost it's Prince and the Pope completely stole his moment. Example: Flags, already lowered out of respect for Pope John Paul II, remained at half-staff. So he has to share his half staff w/ the Pope...that's not fair. Can't they do something else for Prince Rainier...maybe turn on various office lights in a tall bldg to create the image of his face? At the very least, it would look cool.

Citysearch just got smug w/ me...I'm trying to look up Paramour Hilltop Estate and it wrote back to me: We assumed you meant Paramount, instead of paramour. Hey f*ckwit, I can spell. Now just give me Paramour and I'll be on my way. I can't find a website for this thing anywhere (but I have only been looking for 2 minutes). The thing is...it's not even for me. It's for my boss's (how do you write that...I hate having to add the possesive to things that end in "s"...like the name Chris) wedding. Poof, I'm a wedding planner.
R.

What an excellent day for an exorcism

Shotgun wedding and a stain on my shirt
Ashley, I'm with you....I had no idea these two crazy kids were dating, much less procreating. Have to say, I would have stuck it out w/ Watts. She's older and probably less fertile. Nevertheless...all the proof you need that Williams is preggers is right here: Michelle has taken to wearing loose clothing whenever she's out and about. Of course, she must be with child! If that means your pregant, then I wonder what people thought when I went through my "I'm too fat to wear clothes that fit" phase. 8th grade really sucked. (Second time today I've made a comment about my weight..like I'm Harry freakin' Knowles behind the computer- but I'm not)

One of my co-workers brings her baby to work everyday, b/c that's just how casual our office is. Reagan, you can wear flip flops, and you, why don't you bring that 7 week old child to the office. Don't get me wrong, she's cute, you know, for a baby, but if I have to hear "Pop goes the weasel" or "Bingo" one more time, my head will most definitely explode. Or at the very least, my ears will start bleeding. Over and over and over those songs, along with some others equally annoying yet less recognizable, play to my utter aggravation. And to top it off, we went to the Gap during lunch today where, after it's daily feeding (I guess not daily, but I don't know how many times you feed a baby) it projectile vomited all over my co-worker, just barely avoiding the tank top table. I mean, we're talking Exorcist style....I was waiting for it's head to spin. The Gap employees were none too pleased, especially when they saw the mess this child of less than 7 lbs had made. They shook their heads at me, like I was the one who had actually puked and was trying to pass it off on the child. Not the case, but wouldn't have been a bad move if it were.
R.

A hardtop with a decent engine and make sure it's got a big trunk

I just calculated my body fat percentage...27 %. According to the yahoo health page (I was just trying to get to my email and took a wrong turn), my perecentage, the whopping two seven, "indicates you may be carrying more fat than you should". Thanks yahoo...thanks for making me feel fat.

So I finally saw Sin City last night and it. was. awesome. I get so tense at gory movies even though I really don't mind the blood and guts aspect, but for some reason I grit my teeth the entire time and today my jaw is really sore (insert joke here). And I keep instinctually going back to gritting my teeth, even as I'm typing this right now. And that's all I'm going to say about it...oh, and I want to f*ck Clive Owen. Something fierce.

I'm taking a free improv class at Improv Olympic on Sunday and I'm nervous for two reasons: 1) I'm going to a birthday party the night before and knowing me I'll get pissed (I'm British now...this means drunk) and have a near death hangover the next day and 2) I suck at improv. I dabbled in improv in high school, mainly in theater competitions (it almost hurt writing that phrase, I truly am uncool) and I just remember this one time, I don't even know what the set up was but at one point I said "I have a red dress and it's....red" and everyone just kind of stopped talking and if there had been a record playing in the background it would have scratched. But luckily we came through and in the end we took home first prize! Not really, we lost. And to this day, I blame myself.

So there's all this gossip going around that the Desperate Housewives are at war...that sh*t went down at the Vanity Fair shoot...and what, I'm sure you're wondering, is my reaction to all of this: complete lack of surprise. Of course they hate each other. They each have their agents, managers, publicists, the viewing public, stroking their egos, telling them constantly how wonderful they are, how they're worth this much (holding arms open really wide), and how much better they are than the other housewives. Case in point, EW's "Who's your favorite Housewife pole"....do you think maybe Felicity Huffman was a little pissed Teri Hatcher beat her by a landslide? Maybe Nicolette cried in the arms of her new fiance about how only 20 % (not in any way accurate, just a random number) of America likes her the best. I'm personally a Lynette fan, but that's neither here nor there. You just can't fit that much ego into one show. Maybe the ego of 3, maybe 4 women...but 5, c'mon. Plus I heard Teri Hatcher's a b*tch. From someone who knows first hand. Breaking news, via gloryfades.
R.

You're so f*cking....right

Every now and then I get the urge to be one of those people who is the first to post something...or even someone who posts things other people might find interesting. But after searching for maybe 10 mins at the most, I give up and just post things you could easily find somewhere else w/ more interesting commentary...and better graphics.

Hot Hot Heat "Goodnight Goodnight" video
I have a crush on this band. I just think they sound cute. Not attractive, more like adorable. Like I want to put them in my pocket and carry them around, then when I'm eating lunch or getting a cup of coffee, I take them out and set them on the table and they can play a song for me. Yeah, like that. I particularly fancy the lead singer but only when he's singing in the video...in still shots, not so much. So that's my take on it.

The Book of Liz
Ashley and I are getting tickets to this b/c we love David Sedaris...and Amy too, b/c she's related to him. Also, I can't remember the last time I saw a play. That I wanted to see, not one that I said "Sure, I'll go see your play" then afterwards "Yeah, that was really good" even though I'd spent the entire time staring at the fire exit in hopes that someone really would yell "Fire" in a theater. You're never supposed to do that, you know.

Working at being cool is never cool
This is old, b/c I've had the magazine for 2 weeks and Stereogum posted it like 2 weeks ago...but it's just so accurate.

Oh Starbucks, you're so damn indie
Starbucks to sell cds by up-and-coming rock group Antigone Rising. Snap judgement: I don't like them. Maybe it's this quote from their bio: ...five women whose Lava debut, Act I, hits that place in your heart that Springsteen, U2, Aerosmith, and the greatest of the great bands reached in their young and hungry days. Really, what did/do I expect- I don't usually look to Starbucks to attune my musical taste. Even so...

"Choke"
Keep it, Keep all of your madness
drown in all your sadness
Choke on all your pain
cause I don't want to
Keep it, keep all of your sorrow
suffer through tomorrow
choke on all your shame

Rhyming is awesome! Watch your back Ashlee Simpson, b/c AG will take you "back to when rock music was a beacon in the dark …to a time when a band and its magic could draw strangers together, in an arena or under a starry sky, and make them feel like family …to a moment of contact -- between artist and fan, between the lonely and the loved -- that will live forever in memory …" A little ambitious, don't you think? Forever? Can't we agree on maybe 15 minutes?

Jamie Foxx
I just find it funny that this article is titled "Foxx plans first album in 11 years." Like someone has been waiting on this...God, I wish Jamie Foxx would release another album! So you know what this means...somewhere out there, probably on the $1 shelf at CD Wherehouse next to the Days of Our Lives Soundtrack or Nelson, there is a Jamie Foxx album just waiting to be rediscovered. Done....that was easy.

People keep trying to talk to me today and frankly, I don't feel like talking. I mean, I don't mind a conversation with a friend over IM or email, but small talk w/ the girl in the office down the hall? I'm not feeling it today. Or ever. Can't we just smile and say hello, every now and then say "Sure is cold today" as we pass each other going to and from the copy room? That's the unwritten contract I have with everyone else, even if sometimes they forget and try to ask me a question that can't be answered with either a yes or a no or a smile or a fake laugh.
R.

Modest Beginnings

So we'll see if I actually keep this up, but every Monday I'm going to try to do my own edition of what I like to call "Modest Beginnings"....a before they were stars-esque posting. Maybe it will give me something to do with all this free time I have. And it all came about thanks to Emily, who sent me the following submission:

Zach Braff on The Babysitters Club. Is it just me or does he bear a striking resemblance to an elf? (Oh Reagan, you're so mean, did you just call him an elf? No you a** I said he looks like an elf, there's a difference). Below I've posted some fan reactions (though I'm not sure if they're Zach Braff fans or BBC fans...maybe both)

OMG I REMEMBER!! They made the park all nice and @#%$. hashaha. memories.

dude hahah omg me too i totally remember that episode!! he was a @#%$ in it!!

Omg hahaha damn!

Babysitter's Club rocks socks (obvs a BBC fan)

Who is Zach Braff? (another obvs BBC fan)

BBC fans are so @#%$ing awesome.
R.

This is either a really smart move or by far the stupidest thing that we have ever tried

I am so sick of maybe's. Don't placate me...just say yes or no, you know the answer, don't hedge the question. Sure it doesn't sound as nice when a friend IM's me "Want to go to a movie?" and I simply write back "No". But I don't. And there's no reason, just that I don't want to. So why say "maybe" and give that other person a glimmer of hope that they may possibly enjoy the pleasure of my company. I'm not a tease.

I didn't see Sin City this weekend. I feel several emotions as a result of not seeing it: envy, regret, sadness, curiousity, embarassment, etc. Easy solution: See the movie. Major roadblock: No money. Compromise #1: Rob a bank to get the money wearing sunglasses, hat, and trench coat as disguise (except don't have trench coat and can't afford one, hence my inital predicament). Compromise #2: Sneak into the theater through a back door after paying ticket guy $2 in laundry quarters to hold it open for me. Compromise #3: Wait until Friday (aka payday aka best day ever) and pay for movie as a law abiding citizen, feel sense of satisfaction having bought ticket with my hard earned money, and reward myself with the purchase of a soda and possibly popcorn.

So my non Sin City weekend....Friday night went to the previously mentioned Sluts and Studs party...drank my weight in alcohol...danced....kissed a random boy (with my tongue!)...woke up next morning feeling like death if death had been beaten repeatedly with a plastic bat and injected with a lethal dose of the stomach flu...layed on couch all day drifting in and out of consciousness while watching 5 hours (yes, 5 hours) of Bravo's 100 greatest TV characters of all time before falling asleep during the final 10...finally got off my a** at 11 pm to go to friend's bday party where I stayed for an hour, spending most of my time hovering around snack table and listening to some dude talk about how taking away your sense of sight and hearing heightens your sexual experience then responding awkwardly "Well that is interesting"...the end. Sunday did some stuff, not worth mentioning.

Time to work. I do this on occasion.
R.

Don't believe the hype

It's Friday, thank f*cking god. I'm going to a theme party tonight: Sluts and Studs. I don't have much in the slutty attire department. It's never really been a problem...until now.

50 Most Hated New Yorkers
Some people can be hated on from both sides of the country...

La Lohan #42
What's her encore gonna be? Getting caught having crack smoke blown up her ass on the set of Lassie Y2K5?

The Olsens #34 (congratulations you guys!!!)
Fraternal? Identical? Adorable? How about really fucking scrawny and annoying.

Katie Couric #24
Her reportedly $16 million annual salary isn't what makes Couric loathsome, however. It's her disingenuous toeing of the line between serious journalist and corporate media whore.

Ultragrrl #20
Would some thin-wristed shoe-gazing bass player please hurry up and fuck this girl?

An Oompa Loompa song about Lindsay Lohan from an old daily roundup just popped into my head:

OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DOO
I'VE GOT A PERFECT PUZZLE FOR YOU
OOMPA LOOMPA, DOOMPADAH DEE
IF YOU ARE WISE YOU'LL LISTEN ME...

WHAT DO YOU GET WHEN YOU USE MYSTIC TAN
SPRAYING ON AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN
WHAT ARE YOU AT GETTING ORANGEY-BROWN
DON'T YOU THINK THAT YOU SHOULD TONE IT DOWN

I DON'T LIKE THE LOOK OF IT

OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DAH
STOP THIS NOW YOU HAVE GONE TOO FAR
YOU ARE NOW A TANOREXIC TOO
LIKE THE OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPADEE DO

Mischa Barton sunbathing wallpaper. Ooh.

I'm trying to sell my car on craigslist and this one guy keeps emailing me just this:
500?
And I keep replying:
No.
Strange.

Reagan.